As maybe some of you know, I'm currently entering my senior year of high school, and so far it's been exhilarating and exhausting. Especially the part where I have to juggle between studying for my exit exams and applying for universities. Not to mention the fact that I have to decide what major would I want to take, nor what university would I like to get into. At first everything seems so simple or even easy, but as time goes by, everything seems to be so blurry and uncertain for me.
The fact that I've been homeschooled for 11 years of my academic years could be very intimidating for me. Homeschool has its own advantages and disadvantages, and the biggest if not significant one in my opinion, is the fact that we have no one to compare ourselves with. Sure comparison isn't really a good thing if done in an excessive amount, but if you keep it in a minimum/normal dose, it could be a great motivation for us to work harder. Now the problem for me is, I don't really know whether I'm failing in my studies or not? Have I reached society's standards of education? Am I good enough?
To be honest and straightforward, I don't even know if I would be able to get accepted into any university. I'm far from being a brilliant student with remarkable grades, I'm not good at socialising, I'm a downright introvert and pretty much timid, I lack in so many areas of my life and it's simply a burden. These past few weeks, those thoughts have been haunting me constantly to the point something inside my heart began to hurt. Oh how dramatic, I know. But bear with me for a moment.
So many times I began to find myself wishing for things I don't have, subconsciously wishing for things the way I wanted them rather than the way they're meant to be. That way, I thought I could make my future at least a tad bit more promising. But tonight as I was tossing and turning around, unable to sleep nor put my mind to rest, I felt the Holy Spirit giving me a question that hit me like a ton of bricks: WHO AM I COUNTING ON?
You see, in Church, it seems very easy for us to be saying things like "I trust Jesus" "My future is in God's hands" "He is my rock" "Christ is enough" and I do believe in it. I believe that He is indeed my biggest and only security in life, and that the entire purpose and reason of my existence centres on Him and Him alone. But sometimes even wondering about the most elementary matters of life can get you into serious trouble because it's often the case that you find yourself, by some mysterious form of inherent rationale, to exclude God from our plans. That my friend, as James 4 said, is downright arrogance. It my seem as a trivial matter, but small things can go a long way.
I felt a pang of guilt when I became aware of the fact that I didn't include God into making the decisions for my future. You cannot say you believe in something if you don't even bother to live by it. After all, you can't spell BELIEVING without the word LIVING. You live by what you believe. And so often, I find myself failing at this point. If I believe that God reigns over anything and everything, if I believe that God is in control of my future, if I believe that God truly cares for me, if I believe that His plans are higher and far better than my plans, then why do I often forget to live by it? Instead being insecure and scared of my future, why not surrender it all to Jesus? Instead of struggling to make life decisions with my small and frivolous brain, why not let Jesus lead the way?
In that moment, I decided to pray and surrender it all to Him. I believe the act of surrendering oneself to Jesus is not a form of weakness, but rather, a for of meekness. I was reminded that the moment I decided to accept Him as my Saviour, I gave my entire life to Him. Including my past, my present, and my future being. I gave it all away to Him. And that is one of my biggest security and confidence to live by, knowing that it's all safe in His hands, that everything's been and will be taken care of. I used to think that if I haven't secured a seat in a remarkable university, if I haven't achieved astounding grades, if I haven't got a job and a high position, then I have no life security. But I was wrong. My biggest security lies in HIM, and HIM ALONE. Because at the end, everything in this world is all temporary.
So have I been accepted into university? No. Have I graduated from high school with exceptional grades? Not yet. Have I decided a university major? No. So what difference does it make whether if I surrender to Jesus or not? Well the difference is, I have peace, I have confidence, I am rest assured knowing that He is sufficient, He is enough. I may or may not get into the university that I want, I may or may not be taking the major that I'm after, but I will not stress or make a fuss out of it, because I believe He reigns, and that His ways are much much higher than my ways.
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